No ballet flats here, thanks


There is only one pair of ballet flats I could ever envision myself wearing. A few weeks ago a pair of Miu Miu flats surfaced on my radar by way of Instagram, and it quite positively defied all expectations I have ever had of its conventional form. It was a dusty shade of pink - typical. But it also had a gingham strap and even leather straps banded over the shoe like a kinky harness of sorts, amalgamating a supernatural clash of femininity and edge all at once.

The juxtaposition is so jarring it breeds raw desire for its extravagant uniqueness. It’s like a pairing of chilli and chocolate - you crave it precisely because you could never have imagined the two elements existing in tandem. I couldn’t be more in love, but alas, this Miu Miu pair is the sole pair of ballet flats I’d actually wear. 

Because I absolutely hate ballet flats! Let’s talk about this.

There was a time when I exclusively wore them flats. I was perhaps 17 and not in any financial position to own more than a handful of shoes, they were comfortable and needed no preparatory cogitation, and so began a lengthy solitary confinement of sartorial sorts in the convenience of flat ballerinas. More specifically, there was a single faux suede pair in a hideous shade of grey that I wore to my internship every single day. They looked terrible, but it only mattered that my feet had a functional vessel to protect it against any brutality that could be meted out by sky or ground. 

...Which is also why I’ve cut them out of my life completely. As the years pass you learn to abdicate the comforts of shoes that make your legs look like Humpty Dumpty’s, in lieu of ones that will both elongate and flatter and give you blisters and aching ankles all in the same breath. Like six inch suede Charlotte Olympia heels with a spider web woven in mesh for sides (literally). And mules with a single thick strap á la Mansur Gavriel that band over the top of your feet like a cozy suede roof and go with literally everything. They look incredible and are sure as heck worth wearing.

Anything but the tepid ballet flat! They’re like an ode to the uninspired. The way they make my feet look reminds me sometimes of those inert waxy balls of unbaked dough you see sitting in the corner in bakeries. Sometimes they make you look like you have no lower appendages at all. They’re so anti-climatic they’ll punctuate your look the way a grating ellipsis does at the end of a beautifully poetic sentence.

So one might ask, what happens to your feet in absence of the ballet flat option? Will there ever be a time where flats are considered appropriate footwear? The answer is probably not. Imagine you’re wearing a tube tunic with arm ribbons tucked into denim jeans, and the only demarcation between basic bitchery and looking like a Parisian transplant is your choice of footwear. In which case even a humble suede mule makes you look infinitely more polished and add an inconspicuous note of angularity that, in my opinion, is the inch-long elongating optical illusion your legs never knew they needed. Otherwise, sartorial apropos would be to take your pick from the unending alternatives:
That’s not even to say your walk needs to be reduced to a balancing act. Stilettos are hardly practical, but I’ve found that block heels, mules, brogues and mid heel heights make for some darn fancy footwear.

So I’m convinced the way to putting my best foot forward is by severing every last tie with the ballet flat. Do the same! It’s liberating. See you on the other side, I hope.

Wearing thrifted top | Just Jeans denim jeans | Zara mules | ASOS belt | Givenchy Antigona bag

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